Love, Dating, and The Whole Stupid Scene

I used to want to be just like my mother. I wanted to look like her, act like her, be as great as she is, and get married young like she did. My mother got married at age 18 but she then turned 19 a month later. I used to believe with all my heart that I was going to get married at a young age and live happily ever after. I actually used to think that until just the other day. You see, I never dated a lot while in high school but that was because I was in a relationship for most if not all of it. I dated Joel Carter my whole sophomore year and then we broke up that summer because I was turning 16 and I wanted to go on tons of dates with other guys. Well that didn't last very long. By the time my Junior year had started I was already in a new relationship with Richard Layton. We dated for almost 4 years. It was probably the hardest yet most amazing 4 years of my life. We had our usual teenage moments during those years where we would break up and then a month later be back together again. It only happened 2 or 3 times but then we finally had it figured out. We were in love and nothing could stop us. I did have occasional fights with my parents over him but what teenage girl hasn't? Richard was always there for me. I could always run to him when I was hurting and upset. I could count on him to cheer me up when I was down. He took care of me in ways that I couldn't even begin to describe. I tried to return the kindness and do the same for him, but I usually fell short and I always felt like I was never good enough for him because he was so amazing to me. I was amazed how such a handsome, sweet, loving, hard working guy such as himself could love a girl like me. I never questioned it though! I didn't want it to ever stop! I was no where near perfect and neither was he but that never mattered because we could forgive and forget. We could love each other no matter what happened. We did have our mistakes though. He made his and I made mine. Some we made together. We decided that it was best for him to go on a mission while I went to school and as soon as he came home we would get married. It seemed simple enough until our mistakes caught up with us and he came home early. I stood by his side for a little and then being the silly girl I was I gave up on him because I felt like my life was spinning out of control. We had talked about getting married as soon as everything was fixed and we could go to the temple and get sealed as an eternal family. We would only have to wait 4-6 months and then he would be mine and I would be his for the rest of eternity. I knew I loved him, but I had never really dated other than him and Joel. I started to question myself and wonder if there was something or someone out there better for me. Was I just going to marry him because we had messed up? What if it doesn't work and we get divorced? What if we can't support ourselves? What if my parents won't ever like him? All of these thoughts ran through my head and it all became too much so I broke it off right when I'm sure he needed me most. I then began my journey to find the right guy. We needless to say, he never came around. I went on a few dates and they were ok but I just felt like something was missing. I then decided that I needed to learn to be ok with the fact that I may never get married and once that happened I could finally get married. Well, just a few weeks ago, I finally became ok with who I was and I was truly happy with life (other than the occasional "I don't know what to do with my life" issues.) After I realized I was truly happy and I knew I could be ok whether or not I got married, I started to dream about Richard. I hadn't dreamt  about him since I broke up with him. I thought about him sometimes but I was trying to focus on me. So I have been dreaming about him for almost a week now and this morning I woke up and I just felt like I needed to talk to him and see how he was doing. It was not to push my way back into his life. I knew there was a chance he could have already moved on. So we got to talking and I just felt peaceful. I felt at home. I thought that maybe we would just talk for a few hours and then I would back off and try not to ruin his life. We talked all day. We caught up and got to know each other all over again. I laughed and rolled my eyes at the stupidly cute things he would say and I didn't want to stop talking to him ever again. We talked about where we stand and we are still trying to figure things out. I don't know if we are meant to be together. I don't know how my family will feel about him if we do end up back together. I know I need time to figure it out. I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and he is leading me to where he wants me to be. I know that I am happy with or without him just like I know I needed to be. That way I won't get hurt if we aren't meant to be together. All I know is that today I got to talk to my best friend and it felt good. And that is all that matters.