The Waiting Room

I have been happier lately. I don't feel like the darkness is consuming me. I just feel like I am sitting in a waiting room, but I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for. But I am happy. I don't really care why I am waiting and what I'm waiting for. I don't mind the waiting to be honest. It gives me time to think about life and where I am and how far I have come. It gives me time to decide what I really am waiting for. Am I waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet? Am I waiting for someone to come around?Am I waiting for clarity in the direction I should take my life? I have all of these things I could be waiting for bouncing around in my head. Most of the time I think I am waiting for all of them and that makes the waiting hard. If I could just decide on what I'm waiting for the waiting would be easy. I could set my mind on it and never question why I am there. 
I was thinking about all of these things as I sat in sacrament on Sunday. I couldn't decide what I really wanted from life. I also had this notion in my head that God decides everything I do in my life and I just have to wait for him to tell me what to do. I think that was the darkness consuming me before. I kept asking what to do and I never got a reply. I was getting frustrated with my Heavenly Father because I wanted to move forward and I thought I needed his permission to do so. As sacrament went on I got more frustrated and I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to be there. I had rushed out the door because I wanted to be there to get my answers and they never came. I was ready to give up. 
I tried everything to get my mom to let me go home. She reminded me that I needed to help a teacher in primary. As I walked to the primary room Sister Carter told came up to me and told me that her daughter was there and so she didn't need me that day. I told my mom and said I was going home. She told me no and to go see if Morgan was at church yet. I went to find her in her Sunday school class but she wasn't there. One of my best friends was in there with his cousin because she didn't want to go alone where she was a visitor. He asked me to stay in the class with him and so reluctantly I did. 
That was the best decision I could have made. The lesson given was just want I needed to hear. It changed my whole way of thinking. The lesson was about goals because of the new year. It wasn't really the whole lesson that changed way of thinking. It was actually more of one sentence that was said and briefly discussed. Heavenly Father doesn't care what you decide to do with your life, He only cares about how you are doing it. They were talking about deciding on careers and worrying about trivial things that don't really matter in the long run. It was amazing. I had to hold back my tears. It was life changing. I can decided for myself what I want to do. I don't need to be told what to do with my life. I decide. The only thing that really matters is HOW I do it. As long as I do it righteously, Heavenly Father will support me 100% As long as it doesn't take away from the spirit or the church Heavenly Father will support me 100% 
I never thought one sentence could change your life, but that one did. I was instantly happier. It was like the darkness and all the weight on my shoulders lifted. I could breath again. I can do what makes me happy, what I want to do. I can go where ever I want, be with whom ever I want to be with. And the best part is I will have 100% support from my Heavenly Father. Now I just need to actually decide those things. But that is what this waiting room I am in is for. This is my waiting room. I get to decide what I am waiting for. I only have to wait for myself to decide now. 
Don't get me wrong, Heavenly Father cares about each and everyone of us. He loves us and only wants us to be happy and be the best we can be. But he doesn't care what career I choose or which school I go to. He doesn't care where I live. He doesn't care about all the things that have kept me up at night like I had thought. I thought I had no say in my life. That it was already planned out for me and I just had to figure out where to go. Turns out I have every say in my life. It is MY LIFE. I get to choose where it goes.
I have been so much happier lately. I have taken control of my life. I have fought the war inside my head and won. It isn't perfect yet. I know I will still struggle with all the trivial things, but who doesn't? I can  now choose what I am waiting for and then the waiting will become easier. All because of one silly sentence. 

Where Is MY Light At the End Of the Tunnel?

I like to think that I am a naturally happy person. I am in no way perfect and I have my ups and downs, but for the most part I can laugh, smile, enjoy life, and be happy. But it also helps to know where you are going in life to be happy. To stay happy. I unfortunately have no idea where I'm going or where I should be. I feel like there is so much darkness around me. So many things I haven't discovered. Some are about the world around me and others are about myself. Who am I? Where do I belong? How can I be better? 
Because I have no set path for my life, everything scares me. I find myself worrying about even the little things. I worry so much I get overwhelmed and feel like I am going to go into shock and pass out. I usually just end up crying for really no reason at all. I have tried to go down so many different paths and I seem to always get the door slammed in my face. Or I fumble and fall because I can't see ahead of me. The darkness is thick usually. It suffocates me and I get scared so I turn around and book it back to the light behind me. I go backwards instead of forwards. 
I turn to the Lord in tears, frustration, anger, almost every emotion that is humanly possible. All I ever get back is either silence or a calm feeling enough to help me relax and fall asleep. I then wake up in the morning and it all hits me like a ton of bricks. Everybody around me has their life figured out for the most part. It may not be perfect but at least they aren't going backwards. I feel like my Heavenly Father is doing a Barney Stinson. WAIT FOR IT!!! But the waiting never stops. Hopefully it really is like Barney Stinson and along with the "Wait for it" I get the Legendary. :)

I always tell my dad that I don't know what to be when I grow up and his reply is always the same. When you figure it out tell me the secret because I still don't know what to be either. That isn't really comforting most of the time. I think to myself Oh my word, this darkness is never going to go away. Other times it helps me realize that I don't have to figure out right this very second. I have time. 
I am only 19. I have my whole life ahead of me. I understand that, but it helps to know where I need to go in this life. I know that eventually I will wake up one day and this will only be a horrible memory and my life will be better and being happy will be my most common emotion. I just don't see that light yet. I don't see much of anything. I am trying the best I can to BE the best I can. To do the best I can. I just wish I could figure out where I need to be and where I should go. Sometimes the answer is right there in front of my face and I am trying to hard to put it together myself so I end up looking past it. I need to just let the pieces fall together in their own time. I just wish that time was now. I wish I could at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe things wouldn't be so hard and I could have more faith in the Lord's plan for me and more faith in myself as well. So tell me...Where do I go from here?