I have been happier lately. I don't feel like the darkness is consuming me. I just feel like I am sitting in a waiting room, but I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for. But I am happy. I don't really care why I am waiting and what I'm waiting for. I don't mind the waiting to be honest. It gives me time to think about life and where I am and how far I have come. It gives me time to decide what I really am waiting for. Am I waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet? Am I waiting for someone to come around?Am I waiting for clarity in the direction I should take my life? I have all of these things I could be waiting for bouncing around in my head. Most of the time I think I am waiting for all of them and that makes the waiting hard. If I could just decide on what I'm waiting for the waiting would be easy. I could set my mind on it and never question why I am there.
I was thinking about all of these things as I sat in sacrament on Sunday. I couldn't decide what I really wanted from life. I also had this notion in my head that God decides everything I do in my life and I just have to wait for him to tell me what to do. I think that was the darkness consuming me before. I kept asking what to do and I never got a reply. I was getting frustrated with my Heavenly Father because I wanted to move forward and I thought I needed his permission to do so. As sacrament went on I got more frustrated and I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to be there. I had rushed out the door because I wanted to be there to get my answers and they never came. I was ready to give up.
I tried everything to get my mom to let me go home. She reminded me that I needed to help a teacher in primary. As I walked to the primary room Sister Carter told came up to me and told me that her daughter was there and so she didn't need me that day. I told my mom and said I was going home. She told me no and to go see if Morgan was at church yet. I went to find her in her Sunday school class but she wasn't there. One of my best friends was in there with his cousin because she didn't want to go alone where she was a visitor. He asked me to stay in the class with him and so reluctantly I did.
That was the best decision I could have made. The lesson given was just want I needed to hear. It changed my whole way of thinking. The lesson was about goals because of the new year. It wasn't really the whole lesson that changed way of thinking. It was actually more of one sentence that was said and briefly discussed. Heavenly Father doesn't care what you decide to do with your life, He only cares about how you are doing it. They were talking about deciding on careers and worrying about trivial things that don't really matter in the long run. It was amazing. I had to hold back my tears. It was life changing. I can decided for myself what I want to do. I don't need to be told what to do with my life. I decide. The only thing that really matters is HOW I do it. As long as I do it righteously, Heavenly Father will support me 100% As long as it doesn't take away from the spirit or the church Heavenly Father will support me 100%
I never thought one sentence could change your life, but that one did. I was instantly happier. It was like the darkness and all the weight on my shoulders lifted. I could breath again. I can do what makes me happy, what I want to do. I can go where ever I want, be with whom ever I want to be with. And the best part is I will have 100% support from my Heavenly Father. Now I just need to actually decide those things. But that is what this waiting room I am in is for. This is my waiting room. I get to decide what I am waiting for. I only have to wait for myself to decide now.
Don't get me wrong, Heavenly Father cares about each and everyone of us. He loves us and only wants us to be happy and be the best we can be. But he doesn't care what career I choose or which school I go to. He doesn't care where I live. He doesn't care about all the things that have kept me up at night like I had thought. I thought I had no say in my life. That it was already planned out for me and I just had to figure out where to go. Turns out I have every say in my life. It is MY LIFE. I get to choose where it goes.
I have been so much happier lately. I have taken control of my life. I have fought the war inside my head and won. It isn't perfect yet. I know I will still struggle with all the trivial things, but who doesn't? I can now choose what I am waiting for and then the waiting will become easier. All because of one silly sentence.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Where Is MY Light At the End Of the Tunnel?
I like to think that I am a naturally happy person. I am in no way perfect and I have my ups and downs, but for the most part I can laugh, smile, enjoy life, and be happy. But it also helps to know where you are going in life to be happy. To stay happy. I unfortunately have no idea where I'm going or where I should be. I feel like there is so much darkness around me. So many things I haven't discovered. Some are about the world around me and others are about myself. Who am I? Where do I belong? How can I be better?
Because I have no set path for my life, everything scares me. I find myself worrying about even the little things. I worry so much I get overwhelmed and feel like I am going to go into shock and pass out. I usually just end up crying for really no reason at all. I have tried to go down so many different paths and I seem to always get the door slammed in my face. Or I fumble and fall because I can't see ahead of me. The darkness is thick usually. It suffocates me and I get scared so I turn around and book it back to the light behind me. I go backwards instead of forwards.
I turn to the Lord in tears, frustration, anger, almost every emotion that is humanly possible. All I ever get back is either silence or a calm feeling enough to help me relax and fall asleep. I then wake up in the morning and it all hits me like a ton of bricks. Everybody around me has their life figured out for the most part. It may not be perfect but at least they aren't going backwards. I feel like my Heavenly Father is doing a Barney Stinson. WAIT FOR IT!!! But the waiting never stops. Hopefully it really is like Barney Stinson and along with the "Wait for it" I get the Legendary. :)
I always tell my dad that I don't know what to be when I grow up and his reply is always the same. When you figure it out tell me the secret because I still don't know what to be either. That isn't really comforting most of the time. I think to myself Oh my word, this darkness is never going to go away. Other times it helps me realize that I don't have to figure out right this very second. I have time.
I am only 19. I have my whole life ahead of me. I understand that, but it helps to know where I need to go in this life. I know that eventually I will wake up one day and this will only be a horrible memory and my life will be better and being happy will be my most common emotion. I just don't see that light yet. I don't see much of anything. I am trying the best I can to BE the best I can. To do the best I can. I just wish I could figure out where I need to be and where I should go. Sometimes the answer is right there in front of my face and I am trying to hard to put it together myself so I end up looking past it. I need to just let the pieces fall together in their own time. I just wish that time was now. I wish I could at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe things wouldn't be so hard and I could have more faith in the Lord's plan for me and more faith in myself as well. So tell me...Where do I go from here?
Because I have no set path for my life, everything scares me. I find myself worrying about even the little things. I worry so much I get overwhelmed and feel like I am going to go into shock and pass out. I usually just end up crying for really no reason at all. I have tried to go down so many different paths and I seem to always get the door slammed in my face. Or I fumble and fall because I can't see ahead of me. The darkness is thick usually. It suffocates me and I get scared so I turn around and book it back to the light behind me. I go backwards instead of forwards.
I turn to the Lord in tears, frustration, anger, almost every emotion that is humanly possible. All I ever get back is either silence or a calm feeling enough to help me relax and fall asleep. I then wake up in the morning and it all hits me like a ton of bricks. Everybody around me has their life figured out for the most part. It may not be perfect but at least they aren't going backwards. I feel like my Heavenly Father is doing a Barney Stinson. WAIT FOR IT!!! But the waiting never stops. Hopefully it really is like Barney Stinson and along with the "Wait for it" I get the Legendary. :)
I always tell my dad that I don't know what to be when I grow up and his reply is always the same. When you figure it out tell me the secret because I still don't know what to be either. That isn't really comforting most of the time. I think to myself Oh my word, this darkness is never going to go away. Other times it helps me realize that I don't have to figure out right this very second. I have time.
I am only 19. I have my whole life ahead of me. I understand that, but it helps to know where I need to go in this life. I know that eventually I will wake up one day and this will only be a horrible memory and my life will be better and being happy will be my most common emotion. I just don't see that light yet. I don't see much of anything. I am trying the best I can to BE the best I can. To do the best I can. I just wish I could figure out where I need to be and where I should go. Sometimes the answer is right there in front of my face and I am trying to hard to put it together myself so I end up looking past it. I need to just let the pieces fall together in their own time. I just wish that time was now. I wish I could at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe things wouldn't be so hard and I could have more faith in the Lord's plan for me and more faith in myself as well. So tell me...Where do I go from here?
Friday, November 22, 2013
In the Silence Of the Night
I tend to find serenity and peace in the dark hours of the night. There is just something about knowing that all is still around you. You know how in movies they have those scenes where everything just stops except the main character? That is how I feel while I sit in my room wide awake while the world around me just seems to stop. The darkness settles in, the world seems peaceful, and maybe just for a moment all my worries and problems just fade. It's always quiet and I like that. I could sit there all night and just listen to the sound of nothing. The sound of darkness. I usually get lost within the sounds I don't hear because from the moment my alarm goes off in the morning until I lay my head down for bed, I am engulfed in the constant pounding of voices, music, traffic, my own thoughts, and so much more that I don't notice.
You know how when you have your headphones in and just for a split second in between songs there is that moment of silence because the headphones are blocking out the sounds around you? Maybe it is just a muffled sound of the things around you, but even then the silence is there, you just have to listen. The next song starts playing and you forget that there was a moment of silence. Sometimes I take a deep breath in between the songs during the silence or muffles and it feels like I am starting over new. Like I am detoxing my body of all the things and the sounds that are drowning me.
I don't always have time to detox and sometimes I watch Netflix instead of sitting in the silence. There is nothing wrong with that. The world is a busy place and there are only so many hours in a day. Sometimes the noises never go away and after days, weeks, even months have gone by I start to miss the stillness. I often wish my life was like a movie so that the world around me could stand still.
To much silence could drive a person mad. I think that is why the silence is so unique and precious to me. I don't mind the voices, music, traffic, or my own thoughts, I enjoy them most days. It is only when they become too much and too overpowering that I crave the silence, the stillness, along with the sound of nothing. The dark hours of the night are when I tend to find my serenity. My peace. My hope. In the dark hours of the night I find me.
You know how when you have your headphones in and just for a split second in between songs there is that moment of silence because the headphones are blocking out the sounds around you? Maybe it is just a muffled sound of the things around you, but even then the silence is there, you just have to listen. The next song starts playing and you forget that there was a moment of silence. Sometimes I take a deep breath in between the songs during the silence or muffles and it feels like I am starting over new. Like I am detoxing my body of all the things and the sounds that are drowning me.
I don't always have time to detox and sometimes I watch Netflix instead of sitting in the silence. There is nothing wrong with that. The world is a busy place and there are only so many hours in a day. Sometimes the noises never go away and after days, weeks, even months have gone by I start to miss the stillness. I often wish my life was like a movie so that the world around me could stand still.
To much silence could drive a person mad. I think that is why the silence is so unique and precious to me. I don't mind the voices, music, traffic, or my own thoughts, I enjoy them most days. It is only when they become too much and too overpowering that I crave the silence, the stillness, along with the sound of nothing. The dark hours of the night are when I tend to find my serenity. My peace. My hope. In the dark hours of the night I find me.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Love, Dating, and The Whole Stupid Scene
I used to want to be just like my mother. I wanted to look like her, act like her, be as great as she is, and get married young like she did. My mother got married at age 18 but she then turned 19 a month later. I used to believe with all my heart that I was going to get married at a young age and live happily ever after. I actually used to think that until just the other day. You see, I never dated a lot while in high school but that was because I was in a relationship for most if not all of it. I dated Joel Carter my whole sophomore year and then we broke up that summer because I was turning 16 and I wanted to go on tons of dates with other guys. Well that didn't last very long. By the time my Junior year had started I was already in a new relationship with Richard Layton. We dated for almost 4 years. It was probably the hardest yet most amazing 4 years of my life. We had our usual teenage moments during those years where we would break up and then a month later be back together again. It only happened 2 or 3 times but then we finally had it figured out. We were in love and nothing could stop us. I did have occasional fights with my parents over him but what teenage girl hasn't? Richard was always there for me. I could always run to him when I was hurting and upset. I could count on him to cheer me up when I was down. He took care of me in ways that I couldn't even begin to describe. I tried to return the kindness and do the same for him, but I usually fell short and I always felt like I was never good enough for him because he was so amazing to me. I was amazed how such a handsome, sweet, loving, hard working guy such as himself could love a girl like me. I never questioned it though! I didn't want it to ever stop! I was no where near perfect and neither was he but that never mattered because we could forgive and forget. We could love each other no matter what happened. We did have our mistakes though. He made his and I made mine. Some we made together. We decided that it was best for him to go on a mission while I went to school and as soon as he came home we would get married. It seemed simple enough until our mistakes caught up with us and he came home early. I stood by his side for a little and then being the silly girl I was I gave up on him because I felt like my life was spinning out of control. We had talked about getting married as soon as everything was fixed and we could go to the temple and get sealed as an eternal family. We would only have to wait 4-6 months and then he would be mine and I would be his for the rest of eternity. I knew I loved him, but I had never really dated other than him and Joel. I started to question myself and wonder if there was something or someone out there better for me. Was I just going to marry him because we had messed up? What if it doesn't work and we get divorced? What if we can't support ourselves? What if my parents won't ever like him? All of these thoughts ran through my head and it all became too much so I broke it off right when I'm sure he needed me most. I then began my journey to find the right guy. We needless to say, he never came around. I went on a few dates and they were ok but I just felt like something was missing. I then decided that I needed to learn to be ok with the fact that I may never get married and once that happened I could finally get married. Well, just a few weeks ago, I finally became ok with who I was and I was truly happy with life (other than the occasional "I don't know what to do with my life" issues.) After I realized I was truly happy and I knew I could be ok whether or not I got married, I started to dream about Richard. I hadn't dreamt about him since I broke up with him. I thought about him sometimes but I was trying to focus on me. So I have been dreaming about him for almost a week now and this morning I woke up and I just felt like I needed to talk to him and see how he was doing. It was not to push my way back into his life. I knew there was a chance he could have already moved on. So we got to talking and I just felt peaceful. I felt at home. I thought that maybe we would just talk for a few hours and then I would back off and try not to ruin his life. We talked all day. We caught up and got to know each other all over again. I laughed and rolled my eyes at the stupidly cute things he would say and I didn't want to stop talking to him ever again. We talked about where we stand and we are still trying to figure things out. I don't know if we are meant to be together. I don't know how my family will feel about him if we do end up back together. I know I need time to figure it out. I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and he is leading me to where he wants me to be. I know that I am happy with or without him just like I know I needed to be. That way I won't get hurt if we aren't meant to be together. All I know is that today I got to talk to my best friend and it felt good. And that is all that matters.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Little Old Me
As I said before, my name is Brandy Kay Parker. I am a 19 year old girl with dreams and ambitions just like everybody else in the world. So why is my story different? It's not really. But it's mine and that is all that matters. I grew up with 4 beautiful sisters and 2 amazing parents.
I was sitting in a church meeting listening to a talk being given and something the speaker said has stuck with me and I will never forget it. Your parents are the best parents for you. I never thought about it like that. I was given the parents I have for a reason. Even through all the fights and punishments, they are still the best parents for you. Nobody else in the world can raise you and teach you the way that your parents have.
I have had my fair share of moments where I think to myself This is so unfair. I didn't do anything wrong. They just don't understand. They just hate me so they always punish me. Looking back at those moments and thoughts I regret every single one. My parents would never punish me unless they had good reason. They love me so much and they want me to be the best Brandy I can be, so they make consequences to go along with my actions. They are just in their actions.
Along with the parenting side of my parents, I have also found my best friends. This wasn't always the case. It has taken almost all of my 19 years to realize that. I finally have the ideal relationship with my parents. My mother is always there to give me advice about life and listen to me when I need her most. I loving talking to her and I know she is only a phone call away and will come to my rescue if I asked. She is patient and kind. She has so much love in her heart that it is astounding. I never thought one person could be so beautiful too! I remember when I was little I used to pray that one day I could look as beautiful as she does. She is also forgiving. I am nowhere near perfect, but yet she loves me. Even after all my mistakes she tells me it is ok and helps me back on my feet and just wants to see me smiling again. I love her with all my heart.
My father has always been the one that I turn to when I need help with schoolwork, my car, advice about the world, and for Father's blessings. I am so grateful to have grown up with the priesthood in my home. It has come in handy more than anyone could ever understand. My dad is funny. He is always cracking jokes and making up songs and lyrics to songs. He has always been there to help me even if he just got home from work and just wants to relax. He is one of the most hardworking men I know. He is stern when he needs to be but if he can help it he would rather just have a good time. I love that my dad and I can just talk. We watch the news together every night and we always talk as adults about what is going on in the world. He doesn't treat me like a kid and our relationship has grown stronger. He is the best.
I love my parents and I know that I would not be the person I am today if I had been given any other parents. I am so grateful that they love me. Even if we did fight and there were tears shed, I would not change a single thing. I am proud to be their daughter! I hope that the relationship we have continues to grow and that we can become even closer.
I was sitting in a church meeting listening to a talk being given and something the speaker said has stuck with me and I will never forget it. Your parents are the best parents for you. I never thought about it like that. I was given the parents I have for a reason. Even through all the fights and punishments, they are still the best parents for you. Nobody else in the world can raise you and teach you the way that your parents have.
I have had my fair share of moments where I think to myself This is so unfair. I didn't do anything wrong. They just don't understand. They just hate me so they always punish me. Looking back at those moments and thoughts I regret every single one. My parents would never punish me unless they had good reason. They love me so much and they want me to be the best Brandy I can be, so they make consequences to go along with my actions. They are just in their actions.
Along with the parenting side of my parents, I have also found my best friends. This wasn't always the case. It has taken almost all of my 19 years to realize that. I finally have the ideal relationship with my parents. My mother is always there to give me advice about life and listen to me when I need her most. I loving talking to her and I know she is only a phone call away and will come to my rescue if I asked. She is patient and kind. She has so much love in her heart that it is astounding. I never thought one person could be so beautiful too! I remember when I was little I used to pray that one day I could look as beautiful as she does. She is also forgiving. I am nowhere near perfect, but yet she loves me. Even after all my mistakes she tells me it is ok and helps me back on my feet and just wants to see me smiling again. I love her with all my heart.
My father has always been the one that I turn to when I need help with schoolwork, my car, advice about the world, and for Father's blessings. I am so grateful to have grown up with the priesthood in my home. It has come in handy more than anyone could ever understand. My dad is funny. He is always cracking jokes and making up songs and lyrics to songs. He has always been there to help me even if he just got home from work and just wants to relax. He is one of the most hardworking men I know. He is stern when he needs to be but if he can help it he would rather just have a good time. I love that my dad and I can just talk. We watch the news together every night and we always talk as adults about what is going on in the world. He doesn't treat me like a kid and our relationship has grown stronger. He is the best.
I love my parents and I know that I would not be the person I am today if I had been given any other parents. I am so grateful that they love me. Even if we did fight and there were tears shed, I would not change a single thing. I am proud to be their daughter! I hope that the relationship we have continues to grow and that we can become even closer.
Time To Win the War
Hi.
My name is Brandy Kay Parker...has been all my life. I've never really cared much for sharing my thoughts with others. They are inside my head for a reason. I just felt that this blog is more for me than it is you, so why not? Why not express myself in a way that only words can describe. They always say actions speak louder than words, but in my humble opinion, what you say and think says more about you than you could ever imagine. It takes a toll on your mental state.
I'm not as pretty as my sisters. I will never get married because there is something wrong with me. How could anybody love me? I'm the black sheep of the family and they don't love me as much. I'm not important. I'm going to die alone...well me and my 53 cats. I'm not as skinny as I wish I was. These are all thoughts that have crossed my mind at one point or another. Honestly, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of putting myself down! All it does is make me feel even worse, like my life is nowhere near as important and useful as it could be. I could be great if I really wanted to! I just choose to be average so that I don't make anybody else feel the way I do. ;) If only eh?
Honest truth? I have gone through a lot in these short yet drug out 19 years of life I have been living. Everyday I fight another battle, whether it be with myself or with the struggles of the world around me. There is a lot going on in my head that my family couldn't even begin to imagine. I keep things inside because once again those nasty thoughts come into my head. Nobody really cares about you and what you have to say. Why would anybody want to listen to you, you aren't THAT important? You are wasting yours and other people's time. There is a lot going on behind my closed doors, and it is time to open those doors and let it all flow out. It's time to be ok with who I am! Time to win the war. Time to make peace with the war inside my head. Let the final battle begin.
My name is Brandy Kay Parker...has been all my life. I've never really cared much for sharing my thoughts with others. They are inside my head for a reason. I just felt that this blog is more for me than it is you, so why not? Why not express myself in a way that only words can describe. They always say actions speak louder than words, but in my humble opinion, what you say and think says more about you than you could ever imagine. It takes a toll on your mental state.
I'm not as pretty as my sisters. I will never get married because there is something wrong with me. How could anybody love me? I'm the black sheep of the family and they don't love me as much. I'm not important. I'm going to die alone...well me and my 53 cats. I'm not as skinny as I wish I was. These are all thoughts that have crossed my mind at one point or another. Honestly, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of putting myself down! All it does is make me feel even worse, like my life is nowhere near as important and useful as it could be. I could be great if I really wanted to! I just choose to be average so that I don't make anybody else feel the way I do. ;) If only eh?
Honest truth? I have gone through a lot in these short yet drug out 19 years of life I have been living. Everyday I fight another battle, whether it be with myself or with the struggles of the world around me. There is a lot going on in my head that my family couldn't even begin to imagine. I keep things inside because once again those nasty thoughts come into my head. Nobody really cares about you and what you have to say. Why would anybody want to listen to you, you aren't THAT important? You are wasting yours and other people's time. There is a lot going on behind my closed doors, and it is time to open those doors and let it all flow out. It's time to be ok with who I am! Time to win the war. Time to make peace with the war inside my head. Let the final battle begin.
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