About a month ago, I was talking with one of my closest friends and he mentioned that I had seemed down and wanted to make sure I was ok. I, of course, lied and said I was fine. I do not take pity or help well. I tend to let my pride get the best of me and think I can handle everything on my own. Well, my friend is just as stubborn as I am and he finally got me talking about what was on my mind. I told him that I felt I had no direction in life and I felt as though each day were the same. I couldn't tell the difference between a Tuesday and a Friday because I did the exact same thing each day. Being the wise man he is, he started asking me questions to get me thinking. He asked me what I wanted most from this life. I told him a family. He laughed and said he thinks that is a wonderful thing to aspire to have, but that it was not an option for me at the time. He asked me what was more realistic for me. I told him that I was afraid that one day when I am gray and old my grandchildren would beg me to tell them stories about my life and I wouldn't have any to tell them. He laughed once more and said that was still in the future but he agreed that it was something I could work towards each day. He then gave me the wonderful idea to make every day an adventure.
I then set my mind to it and decided that each day I would do something for myself. Whether it be eating a whole pizza by myself or going on a hike with a couple friends. I was going to find solitude and adventure in my life in order to create those stories for my grandchildren. I owe them that much! I am not perfect at doing this everyday but it is a start.
Another wise piece of advice my friend gave me was the fact that even though I have responsibilities I needed to attend to each day, sometimes they were allowed to be put on the back burner in order to go enjoy what life has to offer. He firmly believes that those small adventures are what make up life. He called me about a week ago and told me he was on his way to pick me up and we were going to go to West Yellowstone. I told him that was unrealistic because I had homework I should be doing and a test to study for. There were a million other responsibilities I should be attending to. My friend told me he didn't care and that he was still coming. I resigned my agency on the matter as he was not about to back down. I got into his car and our adventure began. It was one of the best days I had had in a long time. I could finally forget about the stresses and worries of my everyday life. I began to relax and my cheeks hurt from the childlike grin on my face and my stomach hurt from obnoxious cackle like laugh I hadn't made in a long time.
Our adventure didn't last for more than the day, but the relief and relaxation it gave me did. I was able to tackle my homework and work with a clear mind. The small adventure we went on gave me the reset I needed. As I was discussing this difference in my attitude and over all temperament with him he told me that was what life was about. Our lives cannot be one large adventure but each day can have an adventure in it. Those small adventures are what I want to tell my grandchildren. It is just another way to tackle on the adventure we call life.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Do Not Dwell
As most of you know already, I have been on the quest for happiness for as long as I can remember. I seem to catch glimpses of it and then it fades and things go dark again. Lately I have been trying to hold onto those glimpses. I have found myself actually realizing how happy I was that day. It comes and goes but I am trying not to dwell on the bad things that happen each day. It is not easy to let go of things for me. I don't let things roll off my back as quickly as I should. I came to the realization of how true that was about me while I was helping a customer at work.
It had been an average day at work. I had been working on the computer like I do every day when a customer came in. I helped him find what he was looking for and started to ring him up. I ran his card just like I had done a thousand other times that day when the computer froze and the transaction failed. I apologized and called my boss in to see if he could help me out. Unfortunately I had to restart the computer and ring the customer up all over again. The computer took longer than expected and the customer had been waiting patiently, but I was unsure how long that patience would last. I was getting very frustrated and felt bad that I was keeping the man form the other things I am sure he had to attend. I kept apologizing in an effort to make it right. The man looks up at me and says "If this is the worst thing to happen to me all day, then it has been a great day."
I laughed at that because of how true that is. Whenever something goes wrong in my day I tend to dwell on it and let it take over the rest of my day. I did that just today actually. I was in a wonderful mood and the day had been filled with laughter. I was helping a customer when he started to get frustrated with me. As that man left the store I was in a foul mood and I no longer wanted to be at work. I wanted to just go home and sleep for the rest of the day. It was unbelievable how quickly my mood changed and how I instantly thought that the whole day had been awful. I was disappointed in how I let one bad thing take over the whole day.
Those two men also taught me another wonderful lesson. They taught me that I can only be as happy as those I surround myself with. I have unconditional support and love from those around me and I couldn't be more thankful. Not too long ago I had started spending my time with an individual who was unhappy and thought that only bad things happened to him, nothing good would ever come his way. I found myself thinking those same thoughts while I was with him. My mood would instantly change the moment we were together. My roommates, bless their hearts, had to deal with that for way longer than they should have. I would always get grumpy when I went to see him and I would return home even more so. However, on the days where I did not see this individual I was happy and back to being "my old self."
I have learned more than I could ever imagine in the past year. I have learned that happiness is not given. It is taken. I have to strive to be the happy person I so earnestly want to be. If I do not change the bad in my life, it will eat at me and eventually the happiness will be gone forever. I am not entitled to anything I do not work for. I am only 20 and life is hard. I am not perfect. I am sure there are many more life lessons I will stubble upon through this journey, but I look forward to the happiness that is sure to follow.
It had been an average day at work. I had been working on the computer like I do every day when a customer came in. I helped him find what he was looking for and started to ring him up. I ran his card just like I had done a thousand other times that day when the computer froze and the transaction failed. I apologized and called my boss in to see if he could help me out. Unfortunately I had to restart the computer and ring the customer up all over again. The computer took longer than expected and the customer had been waiting patiently, but I was unsure how long that patience would last. I was getting very frustrated and felt bad that I was keeping the man form the other things I am sure he had to attend. I kept apologizing in an effort to make it right. The man looks up at me and says "If this is the worst thing to happen to me all day, then it has been a great day."
I laughed at that because of how true that is. Whenever something goes wrong in my day I tend to dwell on it and let it take over the rest of my day. I did that just today actually. I was in a wonderful mood and the day had been filled with laughter. I was helping a customer when he started to get frustrated with me. As that man left the store I was in a foul mood and I no longer wanted to be at work. I wanted to just go home and sleep for the rest of the day. It was unbelievable how quickly my mood changed and how I instantly thought that the whole day had been awful. I was disappointed in how I let one bad thing take over the whole day.
Those two men also taught me another wonderful lesson. They taught me that I can only be as happy as those I surround myself with. I have unconditional support and love from those around me and I couldn't be more thankful. Not too long ago I had started spending my time with an individual who was unhappy and thought that only bad things happened to him, nothing good would ever come his way. I found myself thinking those same thoughts while I was with him. My mood would instantly change the moment we were together. My roommates, bless their hearts, had to deal with that for way longer than they should have. I would always get grumpy when I went to see him and I would return home even more so. However, on the days where I did not see this individual I was happy and back to being "my old self."
I have learned more than I could ever imagine in the past year. I have learned that happiness is not given. It is taken. I have to strive to be the happy person I so earnestly want to be. If I do not change the bad in my life, it will eat at me and eventually the happiness will be gone forever. I am not entitled to anything I do not work for. I am only 20 and life is hard. I am not perfect. I am sure there are many more life lessons I will stubble upon through this journey, but I look forward to the happiness that is sure to follow.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Wise Old Man
Life always has its ups and downs. Some are harder than the other, some seem harder because they are longer, and some are just annoying. I have had all of the above in my life, but who hasn't really? I find myself in a new light today. I feel like today was the start of letting go. Letting go of my past, letting go of my imperfections, letting go of what other people think of me. I find I am more fully myself each and every day. I have some how come out of all the pain, suffering, and tears with hope. Hope that I am good enough. I am no where near perfect but I try. I am only human after all. I have been on a quest for happiness for a long time now and I have been learning on the way. One of the greatest things I have learned so far was from a very wise old man.
I was at work just going about my day when I was hit with the wise words I hope to share with you. I had helped many customers and when this old man walked in I thought nothing of it. I helped him find what he was looking for and sent him on his way. As he was about to walk out the door I leave him with the words I leave everyone who walks in and out of my store. "Have a good day."
You see, these are ordinary words and they are used every single day and I thought nothing of their value or how it would change my life. Once those words rolled off my tongue the old man said one sentence and it immediately hit me like a wall of bricks or like a palm to my forehead. The old man became wise because after I had told him to "Have a good day," he turned and said "I will try my best to do so." He then smiled as if he knew he had just given this 20 year old girl in search of happiness the secret she needed to attain her goal. I have not see the wise old man since but his words have stuck with me like gorilla glue.
How are we supposed to be happy if we don't try our best each and every day to do so? It is nearly impossible. We must learn to find at least one happy thing each day in order to continually be happy. Even if it is just a laugh or a smile, it is happiness.
I was having a horrible day after I had been presented with the words of the wise old man, and I decided I better put that frustration to good use and go running. I was running around the green belt here in Idaho Falls and I came upon a father and son who were playing catch. It was an ordinary scene except for the fact that the ball was imaginary. The young boy laughed with joy as his father told him to "go long" as the imaginary ball went flying through the air. That scene was simple. It wasn't extraordinary. But it made me smile and that was an instant mood changer. I was trying my best to change the horrible day into a useful one and I found what I was looking for.
Each day I make sure to laugh or smile at least once. It is not very hard with a dorky family like mine, but knowing I can count on them to make me laugh is a piece of happiness of itself. I am thankful I was graced with the knowledge of that wise old man. I do not even recall his name or what he bought from me, but those simple words will stick with me for the rest of my life. I hope that you will take those words and ponder them and see for yourself how it can change your life. It surely has changed mine and I wouldn't go back and un-meet this wise old man.
I was at work just going about my day when I was hit with the wise words I hope to share with you. I had helped many customers and when this old man walked in I thought nothing of it. I helped him find what he was looking for and sent him on his way. As he was about to walk out the door I leave him with the words I leave everyone who walks in and out of my store. "Have a good day."
You see, these are ordinary words and they are used every single day and I thought nothing of their value or how it would change my life. Once those words rolled off my tongue the old man said one sentence and it immediately hit me like a wall of bricks or like a palm to my forehead. The old man became wise because after I had told him to "Have a good day," he turned and said "I will try my best to do so." He then smiled as if he knew he had just given this 20 year old girl in search of happiness the secret she needed to attain her goal. I have not see the wise old man since but his words have stuck with me like gorilla glue.
How are we supposed to be happy if we don't try our best each and every day to do so? It is nearly impossible. We must learn to find at least one happy thing each day in order to continually be happy. Even if it is just a laugh or a smile, it is happiness.
I was having a horrible day after I had been presented with the words of the wise old man, and I decided I better put that frustration to good use and go running. I was running around the green belt here in Idaho Falls and I came upon a father and son who were playing catch. It was an ordinary scene except for the fact that the ball was imaginary. The young boy laughed with joy as his father told him to "go long" as the imaginary ball went flying through the air. That scene was simple. It wasn't extraordinary. But it made me smile and that was an instant mood changer. I was trying my best to change the horrible day into a useful one and I found what I was looking for.
Each day I make sure to laugh or smile at least once. It is not very hard with a dorky family like mine, but knowing I can count on them to make me laugh is a piece of happiness of itself. I am thankful I was graced with the knowledge of that wise old man. I do not even recall his name or what he bought from me, but those simple words will stick with me for the rest of my life. I hope that you will take those words and ponder them and see for yourself how it can change your life. It surely has changed mine and I wouldn't go back and un-meet this wise old man.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Life Isn't As Hard As I Think
It is currently 4:05 in the morning. I should be asleep but all I can do is sit here and ponder. I have found myself thinking of just about everything under the sun and yet at the same time I feel my mind go blank. I just got back from an amazingly weird weekend with my mom and I already wish I could go back. It was a weekend of shopping, zoos, TONS of food, throw up, passing the salt, jamming out in the car, and most importantly laughter. My mother and I had the opportunity to go to Utah this past weekend to see my cousin get married for all time and eternity.
As I watched the newly weds walk out of those temple doors the only thing I could do is yearn for that opportunity. That is what I want. I want nothing more than to one day walk out of those temple doors and look next to me and see the best decision I will ever make. I imagine that once I walk out those doors, all my past mistakes and all the things I had to fight through to get there will just disappear. I crave that moment. It is not currently my time for that blessing, and I still have to fight to get there, but I know the fight will be worth it.
I feel the weight of my mistakes piling up on my shoulders each and every day. I try to let go, but I am human. I make mistakes just like everybody else in this world, but for some reason I think I need to hold onto every single one. I let it get into my head and it gets hard. I have been very fortunate to have friends and family in my life that want to help lift those burdens. I will forever be grateful for all of them. Though they may not always be in my life, I know that they will forever have a special place in my heart. I can't live this life alone and I know that because I have those special people, I will never have to.
The best way to cure the burden of life is to smile and laugh. Life is hard. There is no denying that. It throws you around and then back again. I have been through that cycle once or twice. There is no stopping it. You just have to fight through, but no one said the fight had to be done with a straight face. I love to laugh and smile. They are two of my favorite things to do. For those of you who know me understand that I am loud, dorky, I love to jam out in the car, and I make tons of jokes. If I never had to be serious, I don't know if I would be, and you know what? I am perfectly ok with that. It has made life a whole lot better.
I was thinking to myself, in my late night ponder, that my life was hard. I took a quick look and that was my first reaction. As soon as the words left my lips, I had to take them right back. That was the biggest lie I could have told myself. My life is great. It may be hard at times, but as a whole it is pretty darn good. I just need to focus on the good things around me. I just had a wonderful weekend with my mother, I have some pretty dang awesome roommates, my family just keeps on growing with babies, I enjoy my job, as hard as they may be I like my classes, and summer is here.
As I focus on the good things in my life I feel the burdens lift and I become grateful for the little things. The smell of summer air, the warmth of my bed at night, the words that are said to me, the hugs from friends and family, the sound of laughter, and the feeling of satisfaction with life as I write this. Life isn't as hard as I think.
As I watched the newly weds walk out of those temple doors the only thing I could do is yearn for that opportunity. That is what I want. I want nothing more than to one day walk out of those temple doors and look next to me and see the best decision I will ever make. I imagine that once I walk out those doors, all my past mistakes and all the things I had to fight through to get there will just disappear. I crave that moment. It is not currently my time for that blessing, and I still have to fight to get there, but I know the fight will be worth it.
I feel the weight of my mistakes piling up on my shoulders each and every day. I try to let go, but I am human. I make mistakes just like everybody else in this world, but for some reason I think I need to hold onto every single one. I let it get into my head and it gets hard. I have been very fortunate to have friends and family in my life that want to help lift those burdens. I will forever be grateful for all of them. Though they may not always be in my life, I know that they will forever have a special place in my heart. I can't live this life alone and I know that because I have those special people, I will never have to.
The best way to cure the burden of life is to smile and laugh. Life is hard. There is no denying that. It throws you around and then back again. I have been through that cycle once or twice. There is no stopping it. You just have to fight through, but no one said the fight had to be done with a straight face. I love to laugh and smile. They are two of my favorite things to do. For those of you who know me understand that I am loud, dorky, I love to jam out in the car, and I make tons of jokes. If I never had to be serious, I don't know if I would be, and you know what? I am perfectly ok with that. It has made life a whole lot better.
I was thinking to myself, in my late night ponder, that my life was hard. I took a quick look and that was my first reaction. As soon as the words left my lips, I had to take them right back. That was the biggest lie I could have told myself. My life is great. It may be hard at times, but as a whole it is pretty darn good. I just need to focus on the good things around me. I just had a wonderful weekend with my mother, I have some pretty dang awesome roommates, my family just keeps on growing with babies, I enjoy my job, as hard as they may be I like my classes, and summer is here.
As I focus on the good things in my life I feel the burdens lift and I become grateful for the little things. The smell of summer air, the warmth of my bed at night, the words that are said to me, the hugs from friends and family, the sound of laughter, and the feeling of satisfaction with life as I write this. Life isn't as hard as I think.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
My Happy Beginning
Life is a funny thing. It opens up so many doors for you but no matter what door you choose, you feel like there is something better out there. Something more you could be doing. Something you could change for the better. For the past six months I have been breaking down doors and trying to find my way only to find myself back to where I started. I never understood why nothing worked out the way I wanted. I had prayed about it and it felt good, so why was I still stuck? Eventually I realized that I was going about life all wrong.
None of the decisions I made were bad, they just weren't what I needed and what was best for me at the time. I was frustrated and my life fell apart. I let my life fall apart. I just stopped trying to find my way and I started sinking. I was so low and desperate for any kind of light or happiness that I reverted back to what I was used to. I thought I knew what made me happy and what I wanted out of life. Everything started to brighten up. I was happy and I wasn't worried about being stuck because at least I knew I was where I was safe and comfortable.
Looking back at it now, I realize how stupid I was. Although I wouldn't change what I did. Because of the decision I made to go back, I was able to move forward in a large way. I went back to who and what I thought I loved and was best for me. I was more than 100% wrong. Luckily I realized it before I got in to deep and there was no turning back. Because I went back, I realized why I needed now more than ever to move forward. Moving forward was just what I did.
I moved out of my parents house and went back to school. I am slowing transitioning back to what the Lord had planned for me. Oh how I have been blessed! I let go of everything and my Heavenly Father was there to catch me and lead me forward just like he promised he would. No, my life isn't perfect, but it is good. I am happy. I can genuinely say that I, Brandy Kay Parker, am satisfied with the life I live. I have been so blessed with those I have been surrounded with.
My new roommates are my best friends. We have been since the first couple of days. It was shocking how well we got along so quickly. I feel like my prayers have finally been answered. There is a God and He loves me! I have been blessed and I cannot thank those who have supported me and been there with me through thick and thin enough. Their love is what kept me going. They were what got me out of bed everyday. Maybe now this is it. This is my happy beginning. I can't wait to see where my Heavenly Father and I go from here.
None of the decisions I made were bad, they just weren't what I needed and what was best for me at the time. I was frustrated and my life fell apart. I let my life fall apart. I just stopped trying to find my way and I started sinking. I was so low and desperate for any kind of light or happiness that I reverted back to what I was used to. I thought I knew what made me happy and what I wanted out of life. Everything started to brighten up. I was happy and I wasn't worried about being stuck because at least I knew I was where I was safe and comfortable.
Looking back at it now, I realize how stupid I was. Although I wouldn't change what I did. Because of the decision I made to go back, I was able to move forward in a large way. I went back to who and what I thought I loved and was best for me. I was more than 100% wrong. Luckily I realized it before I got in to deep and there was no turning back. Because I went back, I realized why I needed now more than ever to move forward. Moving forward was just what I did.
I moved out of my parents house and went back to school. I am slowing transitioning back to what the Lord had planned for me. Oh how I have been blessed! I let go of everything and my Heavenly Father was there to catch me and lead me forward just like he promised he would. No, my life isn't perfect, but it is good. I am happy. I can genuinely say that I, Brandy Kay Parker, am satisfied with the life I live. I have been so blessed with those I have been surrounded with.
My new roommates are my best friends. We have been since the first couple of days. It was shocking how well we got along so quickly. I feel like my prayers have finally been answered. There is a God and He loves me! I have been blessed and I cannot thank those who have supported me and been there with me through thick and thin enough. Their love is what kept me going. They were what got me out of bed everyday. Maybe now this is it. This is my happy beginning. I can't wait to see where my Heavenly Father and I go from here.
Monday, December 30, 2013
The Waiting Room
I have been happier lately. I don't feel like the darkness is consuming me. I just feel like I am sitting in a waiting room, but I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for. But I am happy. I don't really care why I am waiting and what I'm waiting for. I don't mind the waiting to be honest. It gives me time to think about life and where I am and how far I have come. It gives me time to decide what I really am waiting for. Am I waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet? Am I waiting for someone to come around?Am I waiting for clarity in the direction I should take my life? I have all of these things I could be waiting for bouncing around in my head. Most of the time I think I am waiting for all of them and that makes the waiting hard. If I could just decide on what I'm waiting for the waiting would be easy. I could set my mind on it and never question why I am there.
I was thinking about all of these things as I sat in sacrament on Sunday. I couldn't decide what I really wanted from life. I also had this notion in my head that God decides everything I do in my life and I just have to wait for him to tell me what to do. I think that was the darkness consuming me before. I kept asking what to do and I never got a reply. I was getting frustrated with my Heavenly Father because I wanted to move forward and I thought I needed his permission to do so. As sacrament went on I got more frustrated and I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to be there. I had rushed out the door because I wanted to be there to get my answers and they never came. I was ready to give up.
I tried everything to get my mom to let me go home. She reminded me that I needed to help a teacher in primary. As I walked to the primary room Sister Carter told came up to me and told me that her daughter was there and so she didn't need me that day. I told my mom and said I was going home. She told me no and to go see if Morgan was at church yet. I went to find her in her Sunday school class but she wasn't there. One of my best friends was in there with his cousin because she didn't want to go alone where she was a visitor. He asked me to stay in the class with him and so reluctantly I did.
That was the best decision I could have made. The lesson given was just want I needed to hear. It changed my whole way of thinking. The lesson was about goals because of the new year. It wasn't really the whole lesson that changed way of thinking. It was actually more of one sentence that was said and briefly discussed. Heavenly Father doesn't care what you decide to do with your life, He only cares about how you are doing it. They were talking about deciding on careers and worrying about trivial things that don't really matter in the long run. It was amazing. I had to hold back my tears. It was life changing. I can decided for myself what I want to do. I don't need to be told what to do with my life. I decide. The only thing that really matters is HOW I do it. As long as I do it righteously, Heavenly Father will support me 100% As long as it doesn't take away from the spirit or the church Heavenly Father will support me 100%
I never thought one sentence could change your life, but that one did. I was instantly happier. It was like the darkness and all the weight on my shoulders lifted. I could breath again. I can do what makes me happy, what I want to do. I can go where ever I want, be with whom ever I want to be with. And the best part is I will have 100% support from my Heavenly Father. Now I just need to actually decide those things. But that is what this waiting room I am in is for. This is my waiting room. I get to decide what I am waiting for. I only have to wait for myself to decide now.
Don't get me wrong, Heavenly Father cares about each and everyone of us. He loves us and only wants us to be happy and be the best we can be. But he doesn't care what career I choose or which school I go to. He doesn't care where I live. He doesn't care about all the things that have kept me up at night like I had thought. I thought I had no say in my life. That it was already planned out for me and I just had to figure out where to go. Turns out I have every say in my life. It is MY LIFE. I get to choose where it goes.
I have been so much happier lately. I have taken control of my life. I have fought the war inside my head and won. It isn't perfect yet. I know I will still struggle with all the trivial things, but who doesn't? I can now choose what I am waiting for and then the waiting will become easier. All because of one silly sentence.
I was thinking about all of these things as I sat in sacrament on Sunday. I couldn't decide what I really wanted from life. I also had this notion in my head that God decides everything I do in my life and I just have to wait for him to tell me what to do. I think that was the darkness consuming me before. I kept asking what to do and I never got a reply. I was getting frustrated with my Heavenly Father because I wanted to move forward and I thought I needed his permission to do so. As sacrament went on I got more frustrated and I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to be there. I had rushed out the door because I wanted to be there to get my answers and they never came. I was ready to give up.
I tried everything to get my mom to let me go home. She reminded me that I needed to help a teacher in primary. As I walked to the primary room Sister Carter told came up to me and told me that her daughter was there and so she didn't need me that day. I told my mom and said I was going home. She told me no and to go see if Morgan was at church yet. I went to find her in her Sunday school class but she wasn't there. One of my best friends was in there with his cousin because she didn't want to go alone where she was a visitor. He asked me to stay in the class with him and so reluctantly I did.
That was the best decision I could have made. The lesson given was just want I needed to hear. It changed my whole way of thinking. The lesson was about goals because of the new year. It wasn't really the whole lesson that changed way of thinking. It was actually more of one sentence that was said and briefly discussed. Heavenly Father doesn't care what you decide to do with your life, He only cares about how you are doing it. They were talking about deciding on careers and worrying about trivial things that don't really matter in the long run. It was amazing. I had to hold back my tears. It was life changing. I can decided for myself what I want to do. I don't need to be told what to do with my life. I decide. The only thing that really matters is HOW I do it. As long as I do it righteously, Heavenly Father will support me 100% As long as it doesn't take away from the spirit or the church Heavenly Father will support me 100%
I never thought one sentence could change your life, but that one did. I was instantly happier. It was like the darkness and all the weight on my shoulders lifted. I could breath again. I can do what makes me happy, what I want to do. I can go where ever I want, be with whom ever I want to be with. And the best part is I will have 100% support from my Heavenly Father. Now I just need to actually decide those things. But that is what this waiting room I am in is for. This is my waiting room. I get to decide what I am waiting for. I only have to wait for myself to decide now.
Don't get me wrong, Heavenly Father cares about each and everyone of us. He loves us and only wants us to be happy and be the best we can be. But he doesn't care what career I choose or which school I go to. He doesn't care where I live. He doesn't care about all the things that have kept me up at night like I had thought. I thought I had no say in my life. That it was already planned out for me and I just had to figure out where to go. Turns out I have every say in my life. It is MY LIFE. I get to choose where it goes.
I have been so much happier lately. I have taken control of my life. I have fought the war inside my head and won. It isn't perfect yet. I know I will still struggle with all the trivial things, but who doesn't? I can now choose what I am waiting for and then the waiting will become easier. All because of one silly sentence.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Where Is MY Light At the End Of the Tunnel?
I like to think that I am a naturally happy person. I am in no way perfect and I have my ups and downs, but for the most part I can laugh, smile, enjoy life, and be happy. But it also helps to know where you are going in life to be happy. To stay happy. I unfortunately have no idea where I'm going or where I should be. I feel like there is so much darkness around me. So many things I haven't discovered. Some are about the world around me and others are about myself. Who am I? Where do I belong? How can I be better?
Because I have no set path for my life, everything scares me. I find myself worrying about even the little things. I worry so much I get overwhelmed and feel like I am going to go into shock and pass out. I usually just end up crying for really no reason at all. I have tried to go down so many different paths and I seem to always get the door slammed in my face. Or I fumble and fall because I can't see ahead of me. The darkness is thick usually. It suffocates me and I get scared so I turn around and book it back to the light behind me. I go backwards instead of forwards.
I turn to the Lord in tears, frustration, anger, almost every emotion that is humanly possible. All I ever get back is either silence or a calm feeling enough to help me relax and fall asleep. I then wake up in the morning and it all hits me like a ton of bricks. Everybody around me has their life figured out for the most part. It may not be perfect but at least they aren't going backwards. I feel like my Heavenly Father is doing a Barney Stinson. WAIT FOR IT!!! But the waiting never stops. Hopefully it really is like Barney Stinson and along with the "Wait for it" I get the Legendary. :)
I always tell my dad that I don't know what to be when I grow up and his reply is always the same. When you figure it out tell me the secret because I still don't know what to be either. That isn't really comforting most of the time. I think to myself Oh my word, this darkness is never going to go away. Other times it helps me realize that I don't have to figure out right this very second. I have time.
I am only 19. I have my whole life ahead of me. I understand that, but it helps to know where I need to go in this life. I know that eventually I will wake up one day and this will only be a horrible memory and my life will be better and being happy will be my most common emotion. I just don't see that light yet. I don't see much of anything. I am trying the best I can to BE the best I can. To do the best I can. I just wish I could figure out where I need to be and where I should go. Sometimes the answer is right there in front of my face and I am trying to hard to put it together myself so I end up looking past it. I need to just let the pieces fall together in their own time. I just wish that time was now. I wish I could at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe things wouldn't be so hard and I could have more faith in the Lord's plan for me and more faith in myself as well. So tell me...Where do I go from here?
Because I have no set path for my life, everything scares me. I find myself worrying about even the little things. I worry so much I get overwhelmed and feel like I am going to go into shock and pass out. I usually just end up crying for really no reason at all. I have tried to go down so many different paths and I seem to always get the door slammed in my face. Or I fumble and fall because I can't see ahead of me. The darkness is thick usually. It suffocates me and I get scared so I turn around and book it back to the light behind me. I go backwards instead of forwards.
I turn to the Lord in tears, frustration, anger, almost every emotion that is humanly possible. All I ever get back is either silence or a calm feeling enough to help me relax and fall asleep. I then wake up in the morning and it all hits me like a ton of bricks. Everybody around me has their life figured out for the most part. It may not be perfect but at least they aren't going backwards. I feel like my Heavenly Father is doing a Barney Stinson. WAIT FOR IT!!! But the waiting never stops. Hopefully it really is like Barney Stinson and along with the "Wait for it" I get the Legendary. :)
I always tell my dad that I don't know what to be when I grow up and his reply is always the same. When you figure it out tell me the secret because I still don't know what to be either. That isn't really comforting most of the time. I think to myself Oh my word, this darkness is never going to go away. Other times it helps me realize that I don't have to figure out right this very second. I have time.
I am only 19. I have my whole life ahead of me. I understand that, but it helps to know where I need to go in this life. I know that eventually I will wake up one day and this will only be a horrible memory and my life will be better and being happy will be my most common emotion. I just don't see that light yet. I don't see much of anything. I am trying the best I can to BE the best I can. To do the best I can. I just wish I could figure out where I need to be and where I should go. Sometimes the answer is right there in front of my face and I am trying to hard to put it together myself so I end up looking past it. I need to just let the pieces fall together in their own time. I just wish that time was now. I wish I could at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe things wouldn't be so hard and I could have more faith in the Lord's plan for me and more faith in myself as well. So tell me...Where do I go from here?
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