It is currently 4:05 in the morning. I should be asleep but all I can do is sit here and ponder. I have found myself thinking of just about everything under the sun and yet at the same time I feel my mind go blank. I just got back from an amazingly weird weekend with my mom and I already wish I could go back. It was a weekend of shopping, zoos, TONS of food, throw up, passing the salt, jamming out in the car, and most importantly laughter. My mother and I had the opportunity to go to Utah this past weekend to see my cousin get married for all time and eternity.
As I watched the newly weds walk out of those temple doors the only thing I could do is yearn for that opportunity. That is what I want. I want nothing more than to one day walk out of those temple doors and look next to me and see the best decision I will ever make. I imagine that once I walk out those doors, all my past mistakes and all the things I had to fight through to get there will just disappear. I crave that moment. It is not currently my time for that blessing, and I still have to fight to get there, but I know the fight will be worth it.
I feel the weight of my mistakes piling up on my shoulders each and every day. I try to let go, but I am human. I make mistakes just like everybody else in this world, but for some reason I think I need to hold onto every single one. I let it get into my head and it gets hard. I have been very fortunate to have friends and family in my life that want to help lift those burdens. I will forever be grateful for all of them. Though they may not always be in my life, I know that they will forever have a special place in my heart. I can't live this life alone and I know that because I have those special people, I will never have to.
The best way to cure the burden of life is to smile and laugh. Life is hard. There is no denying that. It throws you around and then back again. I have been through that cycle once or twice. There is no stopping it. You just have to fight through, but no one said the fight had to be done with a straight face. I love to laugh and smile. They are two of my favorite things to do. For those of you who know me understand that I am loud, dorky, I love to jam out in the car, and I make tons of jokes. If I never had to be serious, I don't know if I would be, and you know what? I am perfectly ok with that. It has made life a whole lot better.
I was thinking to myself, in my late night ponder, that my life was hard. I took a quick look and that was my first reaction. As soon as the words left my lips, I had to take them right back. That was the biggest lie I could have told myself. My life is great. It may be hard at times, but as a whole it is pretty darn good. I just need to focus on the good things around me. I just had a wonderful weekend with my mother, I have some pretty dang awesome roommates, my family just keeps on growing with babies, I enjoy my job, as hard as they may be I like my classes, and summer is here.
As I focus on the good things in my life I feel the burdens lift and I become grateful for the little things. The smell of summer air, the warmth of my bed at night, the words that are said to me, the hugs from friends and family, the sound of laughter, and the feeling of satisfaction with life as I write this. Life isn't as hard as I think.
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